Hellos, Goodbyes

Our lovely 1:1s

On my last day of teaching a student serenaded me. Unsure of the appropriate reaction, I started to dance - awkwardly, but with definite enthusiasm. She had brought me a bag of chili-infused oil earlier, remembering m penchant for Silver Bowl, and, as class was ending, she announced, "I would like to sing you a song. You must know it." I didn't. Adding to the awkwardness was the I deniable fact that it was a love song. Bu I don't think my student really picked up on the nuances about loving me despite the distance. Plus, I had to announce when the song changed keys by shouting, "Key change!" much too emphatically.

Following that, Jake asked me to play and do songs for the last hour of a young group class. We love working with music and often opt to take songs and have the kids up in their own information. We did, "If I Had $1,000,000." Turns out, these students would buy us a bed, a lamp, and pants. (I would buy you some pants.) 

My favorite group class.

In the last five minutes of each group class, Helen forced the kids to go around and say goodbye to us individually. One class only offered a brief, mumbled "bye,"'which was appropriate as they're about as exciting as one small grey rock in an expansive grey rock garden, but most groups were more prolific. One student, Andy, blew us a kiss and said, "I will miss you a lot!" Joanna told me she loved me. Keven told me I was beautiful and that Jake was handsome so therefore he would miss us. The majority of my one to ones lingered after or 3 hour class had finished and admitted they didn't want to leave. Amy advised me to dress in layers because the plane would be cold but the air would be warm. Rachel asked me a lot about Facebook. And, as I mentioned, Diana sang. 

On the plane to Chengdu (where we had a long layover before continuing on to Kathmandu, which was really, really where we're going to), he guy next to me hocked up six loogies over the course of the two and a he hour flight and spit them into the barf bag. So, I feel like my time in China is complete.

On a similar but somewhat separate note, Jake and I made up a version to "The Wheels on the Bus" that's still called "The Wheels on the Bus" but as it pertains to Chinese busses. We promise to perform it for you.

Twincest

"Twincest" was a term I first heard at Smith College where it was used to describe couples who were attracted to each other based on similar physical characteristics. I cod see it there: girls with pixie haircuts holding hands outside of Neilson Library; ultra-femmes with long, silky hair sharing a shake at the Campus Center. But in China, the term took on an even more literal meaning.

A couple in matching monster shirts in Beidaihe.

Predominately in crowded public spaces, but also daily life, couples and friends wear corresponding or identical outfits. We've asked our foreign friends, our students, and some Chinese adults we've met and are entertaining several of their theories regarding this simultaneously awkward and amusing tendency. One Chinese adult told me that she and her friends do this to show everybody else how important they are to each other. Several of my students suggested that it was just so cute. Our Chinese boss' Chinese son hopped on the racism train and suggested that "we can't tell each other apart either."

Whatever the reason, the fact remains that this has been an endless source of entertainment over the past year,

Three friends proving that it takes
 more than trust to make a lasting friendship.

particularly as I'd assumed that, outside the demographic of middle school girls, everybody actively sought not to dress identically in public. 

What people wear ranges from matching or complementary shirts to whole identical outfits down to the shoes, and I'm assuming, he underwear. The outfits (underwear, too) are available for purchase as a set for men and women and for the Chinese nuclear family. As far as I can tell, twinning is considered pretty normal. Until white people do it.

The family outfits on store mannequins. 

Jake and our friend Jess have twin birthdays, so, as a joke and a tribute to where we are, I bought the three of us corresponding shirts; different colors, same handsome monkey. Over the course of about 20 minutes, we had to pose for three pictures (not including our own), one in which we had to pose with a baby.

A couple walking down the street in QHD.

Having our photographs taken isn't new; we're local celebrities and people snap photos of us frequently, some more blatantly than others. But I have to wonder what becomes of these photos. I can only imagine that the one of three white people in matching monkey shirts and a Chinese baby is going to end up in some family photo album with the caption, "White people do the darnedest things."

IELTS Task 1: Hillary Style

My full time students are all preparing their IELTS test. Part 1 of the IELTS writing test asks them to analyze a graph or two and write about the information presented. Their job is to make comparisons and summarize information. They have model answers to follow, and I'm hoping mine will make it into the next IELTS book. Each answer must be at least 150 words and cannot diverge from the information given in the charts. 

The two graphs depict various actions Meatloaf would do to show someone he loved them. Both charts are remarkably conclusive in regards to Meatloaf's actions.

In the first chart, a bar chart, we can see that there are five different things Meatloaf might do for love. It is notable, however, that only four are actions that he would actually complete. According to the graph, Meatloaf is one hundred percent likely to do any of the following: get the person he loves out of an undefined but horrible town; make everything a little less tedious; build an emerald city using grains of sand; use sacred water to cool the woman he loves down if she overheats. Although he does not specify how he will do any of these things, as aforementioned, the bar graph states that he will definitely do any of those four things. On the other hand, he is not likely at all (0%) to do the unspecified "that."

The data in the pie chart fully supports the information given in the bar graph. Despite not having specific categories, the pie graph alleges that Meatloaf is 100% likely to do "anything" for love, but, once again, 0% to do "that."

In summary, both the bar graph and the pie chart conclude that is highly implausible that Meatloaf will do an undetermined "that" for love whereas it is quite feasible that he will do anything else. 

The bar graph depicts how sexy various articles of clothing, places, and other effects are up to 100%.

It is notable that hats are the sexiest item according to this chart, coming in at just over 90%. Slightly lower than this is Japan, which is a hair shy of 90%. Both hats and Japan are nearly four times more appealing than shirts, which, at around 22%, are the trough of this graph. 

At roughly 72% and 67% respectively, Milan and cats have similar rates of sexiness. So, too, do love and New York, with almost identical statistics that come in about 30% lower than Milan, and represent the median of sexiness according to this graph. For cars, their sexiness is marginally higher than average, and nearly twice as sexy as shirts.

To sum up, this graph suggests that hats and Japan are by far the most provocative things, while shirts are least appealing. 

The Gao Kao

Don't be confused by the cute rhyming name: the Gao Kao is anything but cute. The Gao Kao is China's grueling university entrance exam, which only 60% of students pass with a high enough score to get into one of China's universities.

It's Gao Kao time again here and, although we don't live near a high school, we've heard stories. First of all, I should explain how the test is regionally scored. There are five municipalities in China - Tianjin, Beijing, Shanghai, Shangdong, and Chongqing - and students in these testing areas need lower scores than students in other areas due to factors like population and economy, which directly relate to student demographic in and financial dependence from China's universities, and, most importantly, on the quota set by an individual university's admissions office that dictates how many students they will accept from any province, with the highest number always allotted to the home province. Smaller cities tend to require higher scores because their populations are fewer and generally the money they send into the government in less. A passing score in Qinhuangdao, for instance, is 600; 100 points higher than needed in the municipalities. With the fixed admissions quota comes a few problems, namely with the uneven distributional of educational resources.

Before you start thinking that this is like the SATs with some regional discrimination, I must assure you, it's not. This test requires 2-3 days and most students spend the entire year preparing for it. I've heard stories that some students even get an IV drip so as not to interrupt their studying and to have enough energy to maintain testing. Students are subject to a thorough security check because the temptation to cheat is so sweet, and it is common to have ambulances and emergency workers on standby.

Beyond this, the Gao Kao, quite frankly, favors rich students. Wealthier students' parents can pay for top schools, tutors, extra classes, and, even to transfer their child to a school in a municipality where the required scores aren't so high. The uber-rich often seek to avoid the Gao Kao entirely by sending their kids abroad for high school where they aren't subject to this all-important test that stymies all creativity and puts all who are in its wake on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Yes, all. Parents worry for their children's futures: a top university is thought to be key to obtaining an elite job. Students must fret and toil over the test. Many teachers' salaries are tied to their students' performances on the Gao Kao and CollegeStat.org estimates that 10% of Chinese teachers quit due to the pressure. To top it off, a student is only permitted to take this test once in any given year.

Top performers receive national recognition and their proverbial 15 minutes of fame, but to what end? Employers care somewhat about what college prospective employees attended but, even in China, there's not a box where you can fill your standardized test score in on a job application.

So, really, what's the point? Beyond this being a sadistic right of passage, I can't see the silver the lining.

Things My Students Say

Disclaimer: My students work really hard and I have the upmost respect for what they're doing. It is not easy to learn another language. But sometimes the hilarity is too much. And so I have to share.

"Suddenly I saw two cars craft together." Imagining two old-fashioned cars scrapbooking? Me too.

"Rabbits don't like eating carrots. They really like eating Cambridge." Raise your hand if you're thinking about the killer bunny from Holy Grail.

"A salesperson must be butter-tonsiled." Sigh. This is why I tell my students to throw away their translators.

"Most people where I live prefer sweet food because it tastes like dating girls." Tell me more...

"Q: Is your name 'popular?' A: No, it's not. My name is Wang." Classic.

"Student: 'The river is so polluted. You can smell it when you walk through it.' 
Me: 'Why are you walking through the river?' 
Student: 'To get to school.'" In my day, we had to walk through the river. Both ways.

"We'll need one meter long of butter and a kilometer long of cheese." Honest truth: This is how my students suggested we make guacamole.

"In Singapore, if it's a bad offense, they hit you in the ass." Well, that about covers it then.

"A boy climbs a tree. His friend tells him don't climb so high it's dangerous. The boy climbs the tree more. He does not pay attention. He fell. This story tells us we should be careful in everything." A Year 1 student's biography of another student.

"I love nature sounds, like dogs barfing." The best part of waking up...

"I want to use my head, but it doesn't work." Yes, this is always a problem.

"They fell in love and the woman got pig nuts." Love hurts.

On the board, I asked my students to write a bad habit they have and then the other students should make suggestions. This is what happened in one case:
My bad habit is that I take my turtle to bed.
You should talk to God and ask for help. 
Where is God?
On the top of the board.

Food Ethics or We Are All Diseased

I teach a unit in Passages 2 (the highest level book before students decide to do full-time study of either IETLS or TOEFL) about animal ethics, which has a very different meaning in China than it does in America. One of the conversations that I bring up centers around food and why, as a species, humans have a generally agreed upon set of meats that we agree are good and meats that we agree are bad, but there is a large spectrum of grey area of meats that are considered okay by some but not by others.

An open-air market in China

China is filled with open-air markets, and what I’m now referring to as “back alley butchers.” On our way to work, up what we call “Smelly Fish Street” for apt reasons, people hawk live (and often dead) fish, crabs, mollusks, and various other forms of seafood, which occasionally break free only to be squashed by a bicyclists. This predominantly centers around an alley whose main purpose is to serve up various meats, fish, spices, fruits, and vegetables. Many western/developed countries have a huge disconnect between their food and where their food comes from, to the point that when I ask a lot of my American students the origin of their food they tell me, “The store.” As if the grocery store was actually a giant farm that produced the food they consume. It’s hard to feel disconnected from your food when you can literally by the whole animal, as is often the case here.

A pretty typical meat stand. Now imagine 50
of them in a row with more variety.

When I ask my Chinese students why certain meat is off limits, many suggest religious reasons. Very true. Many people think cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, and ducks are fair game, but cows are off limits to Hindus and pigs to Jews. I then ask for any other reasons they can think of and they normally suggest that endangered species don’t get eaten. I normally say, “Right, we’re not going to eat a panda.” This normally elicits a laugh, because the idea of eating a panda is so bizarre.

This is when I channel my inner Andrew Zimmern (host of Bizarre Foods and creator of the tagline, “If it looks good, eat it”) and start throwing out different things and test the students' response, all the while playing the Switzerland of meat appropriation and pretending not to have an opinion.  I had an interesting conversation with one of my students about one of my least favorite animals:

Me: “Alright, so what about rats?”

Diana: (yells) “That’s disgusting.”

Me: “Why?” (Mind you, my stomach is churning at the very idea of eating a rat.)

Diana: “They’re so ugly!”

Me: “Does your food need to be attractive?”

Diana: “They eat trash.”

Me: “Okay, that’s fair. They eat trash, so you would, in turn, be eating trash. But we’re thinking about city rats. The big, ugly black ones that live in your trash can. What about rats that live out in a swamp and eat only the grass?”

Diana: “That’s still disgusting.”

I then explained to her about the episode of Bizarre Foods I saw in which Andrew Zimmern travelled to Uganda where swamp rat is a staple because they’re 1) clean, 2) plentiful, 3) cheap, 4) good protein. She wasn’t convinced. I’m not either.

Here are some other things that come up:

Horse and donkey: Most westerns would scoff at these on their plates. Horse is a riding animal, almost close to a pet, and in general doesn’t belong in western dishes. It’s a pretty common food source in China.

Bug kebabs. 

Bugs: Another western taboo. These are a pretty common food source, particularly in Southeast Asia for the same reason as rats are popular in Uganda. Bugs were pretty much the epicenter of every Task 2 Fear Factor challenge, in which terrified Americans competing for half a million dollars would need to eat a cockroach. News flash: Fear is relative.

Turtle: I brought this up to the same student with whom I had brought up rats and she, again, looked shocked and awed because she loves turtles so much. (I honestly didn’t know that before suggesting it.) Anyway, about a week later, I saw five dead turtles for sale on Smelly Fish Street.

Rabbit: This is a sore subject for some because rabbits are pets. But rabbits are also food for a lot of people all over the world.

Sheep and goat: These animals are not necessarily considered by most as “taboo” but I’ve met a fair amount of people who just think eating sheep or goat is gross for one reason for another. As with many opinions regarding meat, it’s sometimes hard to find an articulate explanation.

All the other parts of the animals: Feet, brains, eyes, tail, privy bits, tongue, whatever. Even though I’m not into piling myself a helping, I admire that civilizations, including China, actually use the majority of the animal they’ve slaughtered.

Dog: This is a polarizing meat, and I tend to save it for the end of the conversation. Many of my students shudder and think it’s disgusting – which is the way I feel because, to me, dogs are loyal friends and companions – but I’ve had a handful who think, or used to think in the case of one, dog is a scrumptious chow (so to speak). And it certainly is sold and consumed here. There are restaurants that specialize in it, and fully intact, shaved dead dogs are sold down the aforementioned alley, a.k.a. Dead Dog Alley.

Much of the western consensus regarding meat has to do with the procurement. But again, this tends to only apply to “non-standard” meat sources. For instance, shark fin, which is appropriated in an exceedingly cruel way, wherein the fishermen drag the shark into their boats, cut off its fins, then throw it back in the water to drown. Our stomachs and bleeding hearts wrench at this, while we wolf down our Big Macs and KFC and Value Time chicken/pork/steak without an iota of thought about where that meat came from. (If you want a non-PETA take on McDonald’s egg procurement, check out this link http://foodrevolution.org/blog/mcdonalds-cruelty/.)

Factory-farmed chicken, which is pretty much every
chicken sold in fast food places and supermarkets
that doesn't specifically tell you it was locally grown
on a cage-free farm.

We get our proverbial panties in a twist because other countries eat different meats that we do, and

somehow we think that, because our diet consists of pork, beef, and poultry, we are somehow superior. But we can't be bothered to delve into the elemental nature of our own food and we continue to propagate fast food chains, have some pretty absurd ideas about what "free range" means, and allow ourselves to buy "value" (read: cheap) meat, like the stuff available at Super Wal-Marts.

So, why is it that some meat is okay and other is shocking? I don’t have an answer, but I think the whole thing is very interesting, particularly as someone who eats very little meat to begin with. For me, my stomach churns every time we walk down Dead Dog Alley (unfortunately the quickest route between our school and King Street, a place we frequent for groceries and restaurants), and not just because of the dog carcasses. The pig’s heads, the huge slabs of ribs, probably from a horse or cow, the full chickens, dangling from the walls by their feet, and the myriad other meats dripping blood along the suppliers’ tables creates a stench that curls my spine. But the reality is still that that is what meat is. It’s not prettily packaged patties that grow in a store. It’s not breaded nuggets we buy at a fast food place. It’s not steak stripped of bones and hair. It’s an animal.

I’m not telling anyone what they should and should not do in the case of meat. I, myself, do partake – I love turkey (D’Angelos, I’m coming for you when I get home), I love squid, I love tuna – and I’m not prepared to give those things up. But, particularly in western countries – America, I’m looking at you – we are in absolute denial about what our meat really is. Part of that, I imagine, is blissful ignorance, but I think it is one of the catalysts for America’s very skewed and – dare I say? – diseased relationship with food. It is exceedingly important, I think, to know the origins of your food, if even for the pretentious reason that knowledge is power and ignoring your foods’ origins is a weird form of self-censorship. And, for the record, no, children, your food doesn’t come from the store.

Special Shops and Meanderings

It's spring here and there are some flowers. As Karen Walker said in an episode of Will and Grace, "Aw, honey, they're almost beautiful."

I've been here ten months now, and I officially have no clothes that fit and very few without rather catastrophic holes. (Donations accepted, thanks.) I am now wearing predominantly an extremely ugly pair of jeans - made uglier by the fact that they're now a size or two too big and baggy in all the wrong places - and yoga pants. I'm rationing the yoga pants, however, because I want them to last. And apparently, I wear clothes harder in China.

So, yeah, right, now all my clothes are too big. Before you all go saying things like, "Oh, how wonderful," a couple of things: 1) Remember who you're talking to; 2) Really think about the next thing I'm going to tell you. I eat 100% more Oreos and KFC and drink at least 75% more soda and alcohol than I do at home. My diet is disgusting. I would say that, because we walk to work, which averages probably about an hour total (to and from work twice) five days a week, I'm getting more movement, but I think the weight loss is mostly psychologically influenced. And, despite it, I'm still too big for pretty much anything in China. I'm a 5XL here.

5XL. I'd have to go to what my students call "a special shop" to find anything that fits. And it's not like there aren't any fat people here. It's just that fat exists in kind of a different way. Actually, I should say that beauty ideology exists in a different way. In America, beauty and health are very much intertwined and we're force-fed this idea that in order to be healthy and desirable our abs must be flat and our thighs mustn't touch, and in order to achieve this we should drink laxatives (SlimFast) and hop onto fad diets and pay billions of dollars to the diet industry all the while being self-deprecating and promising that our future selves will be different, which is it's own special brand of bullshit. BUT we can still walk into almost any store - except, you know, those "super cool" places like Abecrombie and Fitch - and buy plus sizes, or as I like to call them, sizes. In China, beauty and health are mostly separate, but thin is very, very much in, to the point where people who would probably be a size six or eight in America think they're enormous. Especially for women, being waifish with arms that you can wrap hands around is quite sought after. Forget weight lifting. Anyway, consequently (perhaps), the vast majority of stores aren't stocked with larger size clothing.

An anecdote: Around August - so, a while ago - I asked one of my students where I could find leggings. I rather stupidly hadn't brought any, and I thought it would behove me to have a pair or two. Her mother was a shop owner, so my student said she'd ask her mother if there were any "special shops" that sold leggings. She reported back to me that I could "have them tailor made." Fucking leggings. I can buy them for $6.00. Tailor made. Jesus.

So, anyway, I am now stuck with my hobo-esque wardrobe, which grows more bedraggled everyday. It's spring, as I said, so I can hopefully start wearing skirts and dresses soon, but I bid adieu to my last functional pair of tights several months ago.

I am very much looking forward to Cumby's-hopping and refilling coffee for $1.09 while buying some new tights and jeans. I will then eat a bagel. Perhaps a turkey grinder. That's the plan.

Oh, also - and on a completely different topic - does anyone know when George R.R. Martin is planning on finishing book 6 of A Song of Ice and Fire. I mean, seriously. Okay, so I've never written an epic series, or anything, but there are things that need to be clarified. So, if somebody runs into him, tell him to get on it.