What I Could Have Done This Year (According to Women's Health)

'Tis that time of year again when everyone is rushing around to bake holiday goodies, drinking egg nog, and simultaneously kicking themselves for every frosted sugar cookie that graces their lips. It is obviously your choice as to whether or not you want to eat the cookie, but I suggest that you do and that you enjoy it instead of diving into a soliloquy about how you "shouldn't have done that" and you've "ruined your diet" or how, this New Year's, your resolving a new you.

The old you is fine. And beautiful. And perfect.

As infuriating as this robotic jargon is, it's not infuriating as the myriad sources that perpetuate - no, encourage - it. There are countless magazines, Cosmo, Self, Woman's World, etc., that try to sell us weight loss month after month, but I'm choosing a magazine that purports itself as one of health (hey, it's in the friggin' title), to show you all what you could've done if you'd just given them money this year. Here it is: what we could've done in 2013 according to Women's Health.

January/February

•Ah, the start to my fittest year!
•I could eat anything - you heard me right, anything - and still lose weight.
•I could tone every inch in just minutes a day.
•Learn the sex secrets of 140,000 who apparently all have sex the same way and consider themselves experts.

March

•Ah, the spring shape up issue!
•I could accelerate my weight loss and transform my belly, butt, and thighs with their "strong and sexy workout."
•I could cure cure insomnia, PMS, headaches, and more by eating certain foods.
•I could get a raise.
•I could have more sex.
•I could never fall short of my goal again...with makeup.

April

•Ah, the special beauty bonus issue!
•I could finally have a flat belly!
•Be surprised by Vitamin N.
•I could get everything that will lead to my happiness: success and money.
•I could have sizzling sex (that will trump the sex secrets I learned in January/February) with Katharine McPhee's sex tips. I know she must have great sex because she's a thin celebrity.
•I could find the perfect yoga style, which is the only thing that hasn't made me roll my eyes.

May/June

•I could get the best. abs. ever. Even better than the ones I got when I transformed my belly two months ago.
•I could drop two sizes without cardio.
•I could look better naked.
•I could have unlimited orgasms. Which is good, because I'm sick of paying more when I go over my monthly allowance.
•Be a confident cook.
•I could not stress out about shopping for swimsuits.

July/August

•Ah, the fitness special. Because everything else was just...what? Laziness?
•Guess what?! It's abs season. Good thing I transformed my belly in March and got the best. abs. ever in May/June. But wait! There's more! A bikini belly workout. Because my best. abs. ever. don't cut the mustard if I'm wearing a bikini.
•I could "friend" someone in real life. (I thought that's what friends were?"
•I could have great sex every time!
•I could sip my way to a sharper mind. I'm not entirely sure what that means.

September/October

•Ah, the fall fashion special.
•I could LOSE MY BELLY! Although that would make it hard to do things like eat and keep my head on.
•I could be on the hot body express. My best. abs. ever. and my bikini body just aren't good enough apparently.
•I could have flawless skin.
•I could have killer legs.
•I could sleep better, find my soulmate online, AND take an amazing selfie. This sounds like a very full two months.

October/November

•Ah, the shape up shortcuts issue!
•I could resize my thighs, even though I just got killer legs earlier in the fall.
•I could have my best. sex. ever. Is this like my best. abs. ever.?
•I could thwart hunger.
•I could turn my frown upside down.
•Plus, I can keep my boobs safe!

December

•I can tone every zone, fast and easy, and remove inches without spanx.
•I can save my own life. I only hope this issue shows how to do an emergency tracheotomy on myself.
•I can be smarter than hangovers. I've met some very intelligent ones in my life.
•I can have crazy good sex! This isn't as appealing as the best. sex. ever. or the unlimited orgasms. In fact, it sounds a little lackluster.
•I can lose weight without dieting with their clever rhyme: "Eat, Drink, and Still Shrink!"

Dammit, if I'd just bought a subscription to Women's Health, my 2013 would have shaped up to be my slimmest, trimmest year wrought with incredible sex and "killer" legs and abs. But alas, my only subscription is to Cat Fancy.

Clearly, if these magazines sold anything that was worth a damn they would no longer have the need to be in business. Magazines like this, along with myriad other sectors, most specifically the diet industry as a whole, does not have a long term investment in our health, it has a long term investment in their profits. My suggestions? Put down the magazines, pick up a book. Put down the magazines, go for a walk. Put down the magazines, do some Zumba. Eat a cookie, drink some eggnog, eat your broccoli, love yourself. Just. As. You. Are.