H.A.G.

The Heart Attack Grill – also known by its onomatopoetic –  acronym “HAG” (the noise you’ll make after your read this) – tops my list of places giving fat a bad image.  Located in Chandler, AZ, HAG offers “taste worth dying for.”  Literally.  They’re not playing around.  Their menu features only four entrées: four burger incraments starting with a Single Bypass Burger and moving all the way up to a Quadruple Bypass Burger.  The Quadruple Bypass Burger weighs in at 2 lbs. and racks up roughly 8,000 calories on its own, mostly due to the 8 slices of cheese and the buns buttered with lard (yes, LARD).  Each burger comes with endless Flatliner Fries (fried in lard, yes MORE LARD) instead of oil, Jolt Cola (because what you need with your failing arteries is caffeine), and, if you want it, a pack of unfiltered Lucky Strike cigarettes. 

Founded by “Dr.” Jon Basso in 2005, he reportedly launched the idea after writing a marketing thesis about clients of fitness studios who cheat on their diets.[1]  As Basso’s television  commercials declare, this diet in which you eat all you want and GAIN weight is foolproof.  At least he’s honest. And Basso caters to the fat and happy, intent on serving up nutritional pornography.  Upon entering HAG you can choose to be weighed and, if you weigh more than 350 lbs. congratulations:  you eat for free!  Anytime you want!  Even if you don’t meet the weight requirements of a free meal, you can still enjoy the Hooter-esque experience of being “taken care of” by a young lady (who most certainly does NOT meet the free meal weight requirement) scantily clad in a naughty nurse costume.  At the table she’ll examine your heart with a stethoscope before filling your “perscription” (order).

According to customer reviews, the burgers served at HAG are behemoth and difficult to finish unless you’re a pro or a champion eater.  In fact, you are rewarded if you can finish a Triple or Quadruple Bypass Burger. What happens if you actually finish one?  I mean, besides the longterm implications of, you know, cardiovascular malfunctions, the prize is that you don’t have to walk to your car.  While many people after eating a greasy meal suggest “walking some of it off,” at HAG you can hop in a wheel chair and a slutty nurse will wheel you to your car.  Hooray, hurrah!

HAG helps perpetuate many of the stereotypes associated with America’s fat, particularly this insatiable (and quite frankly, nauseating) gluttony.  The one justice?  It closed down last year with no plans to re-open. 

[1]1Anoymous, “Heart Attack Bar and Grill,” Wikipedia, http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_Attack_Grill