'Tis the time of year again when we get to rejoicing all of life's wonderments and being thankful for the copious gifts that have been bestowed upon us. It's also that time of year when we're baking holiday cookies, mixing sugary booze into our sugary eggnog and crying into our hot buttered rum about all the ways we can "improve" ourselves and how next year is going to be so different.
You can make whatever the hell resolution you want this New Year's, but before you go on resolving to change how you look, maybe you should resolve to change how you see.
As always, remember that the old you is fine. The old you is beautiful. The old you is pretty damn awesome.
As infuriating as the robotic jargon of the holidays is, it's not infuriating as the myriad sources that perpetuate - no, encourage - it. There are countless magazines, Women's Health, Self, Woman's World, etc., that try to sell us weight loss and sex tips month after month, so I'm chosing the Queen bee of beauty and "health" magazines to show you all what you could've done if you'd just given them money this year. Here it is: what we could've done in 2015 according to Cosmo.
- Woken up hotter. (But, you know, I'm a cheapskate and leave the heat around 64.)
- Introduced 75 sex moves that that mysterious "he" would remember until next January, when I would need to learn 75 more.
- Become a CEO. Hell, at least this one is career oriented.
- Said "bye bye" to my belly. Instead, I let it digest things all year.
- Spent some money on dresses that pick up guys for me. I admit, if I were single this might be a good investment. I lack game.
- Hopped on the naughty express. I hope it's going somewhere warm!
- Answered that burning question: Why does a dress size define how we feel? Just a hunch, but I bet it's got something to do with magazines like Cosmo telling us that our dress size should DEFINITELY define our self worth.
- Answered another burning question: How do you fit a giraffe in the fridge? First, you open the fridge...
- Been inspired by the lack of an Oxford comma. Justin Beiber, sex and doing the dishes.
- Had my sex life catapulted out of 1996 (which is I'm assuming when we all learned about copy and paste).
- Gained more money just by changing one daily habit. I bet that daily habit I have to break is the one where I actually spend money.
- Ironically taken a quiz on whether or not I should trust my gut. My gut says I shouldn't trust a quiz in a magazine, but I'm just not sure...
- Done a fun belly workout. Like laughing, perhaps?
- Learned 33 more secrets to passion. Add that to my 75 sex tips and that's already 108 tips in my 2015 cache. Ca-ching!
- Had Cosmo tell me how to deal with sexual harassment. Because Cosmo is on my side. Thanks, Cosmo! *sideways smiley face with a wink*
- Done a 5-minute flat ab workout. I'm confused, though, if I should do this in place of or in addition to my fun belly workout from last month.
- Uncovered 63 secrets to lasting love. You think they could've either rounded up or rounded down. But, anyway, mark it: 103 sex tips, 63 lasting love tips, and it's only April!
- Found out what the entire population of men is good for. Uh...carrying my bag?
- Found the jeans of my dreams. I think this is misleading, because I once dreamed that I was wearing jeans that actually allowed me to essentially hop everywhere without exerting any effort. Can Cosmo get me those jeans?
- Oh, boy. I guess first thing's first. Taken ruthless photos mocking Madonna on this cover. I mean, seriously. What is this? What actually is this?
- Hone my 103 sex moves that I was originally told probably couldn't get any better, but apparently can.
- Read about an "erotic new trend" one-upping friends with benefits. I mean, sometimes you're best friends for a reason.
- Gotten my summer body ready. I'll have to drag it out of the closet and take it to the dry cleaners.
- Used 30 seconds of my time to calm down.
- Had sex hot enough to perpetuate global warming! Must be those 103 tips I learned.
- Done a fast abs and ass workout. Again, confused as to whether or not this is in addition to or a replacement for the first two ab workouts. But, hey, it's for my beach body, so of course this is valid.
- Learned 12 things my "bae" (whatever the hell that is) doesn't care about in bed. First, I think I must learn what a bae is.
- Learned more tips to survive "workpacolypse." Apparently Cosmo thinks I'll fail at their 30 second cool down. I'll show those bastards.
- Added 8 more moves to my sexual repertoire. For those of you with score cards, that's 111 sex tips this year.
- Made my love last. This information hasn't been quantified, so I'll just assume that, because it's Cosmo, this is new, relevant, and important information, and not tired, redundant, repetitive pseudo-advice aimed at maintaining my insecurities while simultaneously believing that Cosmo can boost my confidence. Oooh, doublethink.
- Reported to booty camp. I hope I finally learn how to make it clap there.
- Stayed in control at work. Now I'm just unsure if Como thinks I'M failing or if Cosmo is failing me... In hindsight, I guess I should've taken that quiz in March on whether or not to trust my gut. I knew I shouldn't have trusted my gut not to take that quiz initially!
- Made him worship me. I expect shrines, offerings, and ritual sacrifices. Anything less is purely sacrilegious.
- Adopted five moves to make me feel comfortable in a bikini. Move 1: Put on the bikini. Move 2: Look at self in mirror. Move 3: Notice how awesome you look. Move 4: Show your husband/friends/the world. Move 5: Let them tell you how awesome you look. Aaaannnnd checkmate.
- Decoded some Snapchats. Now, this is hard because each image only exists for 3 minutes and then it's gone, gone, gone, which means the situation is ripe to totally misread. But Cosmo has never led me astray before.
- Entered to win Demi Lovato's jewerly, which is stupid, because I was going to steal it from her anyway.
- Found more products for under $10. (I didn't mention these in past months because I do most of my cosmetics shopping at pharmacies...)
- Bring my Bae in closer. I really don't want to do this until I for sure know what a Bae is.
- Learned some secrets from a tight bod. At first, I read this as a tight bob. Either way, it's of little use to me.
- Gotten a fat paycheck for what I love doing. Which is reading books and hanging out with cats. Pay me now, please!
- Once again, made my wallet fatter with little tips. I've got a few tips of my own: Make your own coffee. And make sure to seal the zipper on your coin purse. You're sure to lose money if you don't.
- Kept it hot, while they kept it vague
- Made some lunch goals. Goal 1: Eat lunch. (Is this a real thing? Lunch goals?! Don't we have more important things to do?)
- Moved from sweats to sexy in only 5 minutes. My sexiness level increases mightily when I put a bra on. So, I hope that's step one.
- Deciphered the question: Can you be basic AND a badass? I'm unclear what it means when a person is "basic."
- Gotten my fill of the Kardashians, who are apparently now equal with the President, Michelle Obama, and their children. I wonder how many people think they're actually in the White House.
- Added to my ass workout repertoire. This time, my ass could've been "epic." Like Beowulf or Gilgamesh.
- Decoded his crazy mind tricks. Evidently, that one thing that all men were good for was either wizardry or hypnosis.
- Stayed chill all season. Because calming down and behaving appropriately is no longer just for work!
- Gotten what I wanted in love AND under the tree. What? They're not synonymous?
- Learned the real secret to sex appeal. Cosmo anticipates that I'll guess "Jedi mind tricks" so they're quick to hook me in with a cutesy "p.s."
- Flattened my abs in 9 minutes flat. See what they did there? They took redundancy to a whole new level. Not only is this sentence redundant, but so is this article.
- Saved money without sacrificing. Go on now, little lamb, Cosmo says I don't need you any more.